Where things get a little (more) surreal

Interviewer: Glenn Beck, thanks for joining us.

Glenn Beck: You're more than welcome, you're welcome. I think it's time we took back this interview, the honor of this interview, and recognized this interview for what it is.

I: And that would be?

GB: The beginning of a new interview... a restoration of what interviews should be.. an awakening, if you will, of a New American Interview. That's gold, right there, "New American Interview". Gotta write that one down, that's trademarked by the way.

I: I see. Mr Beck, that does lead me to the obvious question about your rally "Restoring Honor".

GB: Right. Tremendous outpouring of completely ad-hoc and organic belief in America.

I: Ad-hoc?

GB: Exactly! Americans coming together on the spur of the moment to demonstrate their completely unscripted and patriotic love of their nation.

I: But you've been talking about this for a year on Fox News and your radio program, as well as blog posting and interviews with anyone who will listen?

GB: I'm not going to allow you to subvert my First Amendment right to talk about what I believe in! Laura Schlesinger and I are in complete lock-step on this.

I: Interesting, but you're missing my point. How can you claim on one hand that this is an outpouring of belief in America when all you've done is promote it on the media channels you control, and stir up the reactions on the ones you don't control.

GB: Ah, it would seem that you've caught on to me.

I: I'm sorry?

GB: It would seem that you're the one person actually paying attention to what's going on here. Sarah didn't get it, and she's up there speaking!

I: Sarah Palin doesn't realize what's going on?

GB: Nope! Got her completely foxed. She thinks this is a Tea Party related event!

I: But it's not?

GB: Hell no! This is the kickoff of Beck Enterprises "Make tons of cash" Fall Money Drive.

I: It's not about restoring honor or turning to God?

GB: My dear chap, why would I want that? If people actually did believe in my vision of the United States or in God they wouldn't give me the time of day!

I: They wouldn't?

GB: Of course not! I'm busy tearing down the current Administration's policies but not telling anyone what the world would be like if the GOP was in power, or God forbid, the Tea Party. It would be armed insurrection and corporate capitalism gone mad! Noone would buy a corporate-apocalypse zombie world. It's far more palatable to just describe the current situation as bad and trust that everyone will think it'll be better if it's a change.

I: And the God part?

GB: That's the thing: If every Christian looked at the message I'm giving, they'd realize that it's far more Old Testament than New Testament, and frankly, Mel Gibson is only one vote. I need a lot more than that.

I: I see. So "Restoring Honor" is neither restoration nor honorable?

GB: Only in as far as I can buy either of them with the scads of cash that are going to be rolling in from this little shindig.

I: Glenn Beck, thanks for your time.

GB: That'll be $27.50, but don't send any money now, I'll get it from your wallet myself.

I: Glenn Beck, thanks for your time.

GB: Thank you, comrade.